My name is Darla. I was born in Colorado, moved to California when I was 1 and have lived here ever since. My parents have been married now for 34 years and I have two younger sisters, I'm the oldest. I have been married for almost 12 years now (7/29/00) and we have two wonderful children. My husband and kids mean the world to me. I have given them everything I have. In fact, I've given so much that I didn't leave any room for myself. Unfortunately, that has allowed me to gain weight. So much weight that I am literally scared that my life is coming too close to ending soon.
I wasn't always overweight. I was a pretty average sized kid, gained an extra 20-30lbs around 11-12 years old, but by the time I reached high school, I was pretty skinny. So skinny that it made me uncomfortable. Luckily this was in the early 90's when the grunge fad was in so I covered myself in baggy jeans and flannels. I have always had a bad self-image/self-esteem. I still can't really pinpoint when this all started or even how. I don't really remember my family ever saying how ugly I was or criticizing my size.
Anyhow - basically through high school I hid in baggy clothes until I joined the swim team. But the good thing with that was I gained an extra 20lbs of pure muscle so I felt better about the way I looked. I didn't feel so "anorexic". I didn't really change my wardrobe much, but I also didn't feel like I had to hide my body either.
So I graduated high school in 1997 and that's when everything started to change. I stopped exercising and instantly gained about 50lbs over the next year. I met my husband in 1998 and when we moved in together there was this sense of freedom that I didn't feel before and I took full advantage of it. I bought whatever I wanted, ate what ever I wanted and did what ever I wanted. It felt so liberating. My husband and I didnt really have any hobbies so we just would stay home and eat and watch TV and hang out. He of course didn't gain as much weight as me (he still wears a size 34 pants!) but my weight just continued to spiral out of control. When we got married in 2000 I weighed right under 200lbs. I was wearing a size 18 and still didn't care enough to change.
I got pregnant in 2001 with our first child and was told that pregnant women could eat whatever they wanted and then they would lose the weight after childbirth with the help of breastfeeding. Of course that sounded wonderful to me, so I ate and ate and ate until I gained over 85lbs! When I was admitted to the hospital to have my son, I weight 280lbs. It was out of control, yet I still really didn't care.
I lost almost all of the baby weight, but gained some of it back again by the time I found out I was pregnant with our second child. But with that pregnancy, it was all about the sickness and the fact that I didn't want to eat anything so I ended up losing 50lbs and going into the hospital weighing 220lbs. Unfortunately, I never produced milk so I couldn't breastfeed so I only lost about 10lbs after my daughter was born.
I work in a cubicle maze and have been in an office type environment for the last 11 years and it has certainly taken a toll on my health. I have become more and more lazy even with the kids and doing all of the stuff with them. I don't pay any attention to me or my health and it spiraled so much out of control that I have gotten to where I am today.
370lbs. Noone I know knows that weight except for my husband. How embarassing is that? How could I let myself get this way? I face judgement on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day. I am judged by people I know, people I think I'm "close" to and of course strangers. I've gone into Victoria's Secret with a thin friend (mind you I was in the bath and body section and not the clothes..I'm not stupid) and I was blatantly ignored. The sales woman looked dead into my eyes full of judgement, then turned around and walked away as to pretend that she was busy or that I didn't need any help. I get comments frequently about how I shouldn't sit somewhere because the chair is on the verge of breaking or how far along am I (assuming I'm pregnant because of my fat belly), etc.
Then just a few months ago, I had a nervous breakdown and was in an intensive outpatient mental health program and it started to open my eyes. The program helped me realize that I haven't been giving myself any time and that I can't take care of my family if I am not well myself. The program also showed me how to really identify my true friends and how to establish boundaries with family who are a constant source of judgement. It has started to slowly help me change into a more positive person and with this change I have began to see just how much damage I have done to myself. I breathe heavy, have asthma, allergies galore, sore joints, high cholesterol, such a big belly that I can barely tie my shoes, can't fit into many places, can't find clothes that I like and really realize what its doing to my family. My husband is wonderful and doesn't care what others think, but unfortunately my son is constantly teased about his "fat mama" and he's even gotten into a couple of fights over it. He's admittedly embarassed by me and honestly I can't really blame him. Of course I explain to him that physical appearance doesn't matter and its who the person is inside that counts. He understands and doesn't get upset when I take him places or come to the school or whatever, but I can tell deep down that it bothers him.
So with all that said, I've finally decided to take some steps to make me better. I've started the work on the mental health, but now its time for the physical health. This Wednesday I am starting Weight Watchers at work. I'm doing it for 3 reasons:
1 - I need to start really working on a food journal so I can see exactly what I'm putting into my body
2 - My work is paying for it
3 - My health insurance is dependant on me participating in an health program
I am so not fan of "diets" (like anyone is), but I know how important food journaling is and I really need to have a clear view of what I'm doing to myself. I'm not sure how well I'll do with the whole point system thing, but I'm willing to give it a try. Another thing I'm doing this time around is blogging and really documenting my process. I want to really see some progress (or no progress so I can see what's going wrong) and I want to do this to possibly inspire or help others who are in the same situation.
I appreciate and welcome any feedback, encouragement or even negative comments. This is totally new to me and I'm not the best writer, so please don't bother commenting on my writing style, typos or grammar errors. Hope you enjoy this read. :)
